If we hesitate to set a limit with conviction because we’re trying to figure out what is driving our child’s behavior, he or she is left with a faltering, vague or inconclusive message instead of real help. So, why do they do them? There are many possibilities to consider, but only after we fulfill the child’s number one need in that moment of limit-pushing behavior. It wears us out and clouds our perspective, making effective guidance less possible, and our child is without the strong anchor she needs.īy the time they are 18 months of age, most children are fully aware of many of the things we don’t want them to do. That level of connection isn’t healthy for either of us. In other words, reflect verbally, (“You were upset about not getting another cracker” or “you want to stop playing outside and come back in the house.), but don’t get upset or discouraged when your child has an emotional reaction to your limits. But empathy means understanding and supporting, not going down with the ship. (I describe this in detail in “ The Key To Your Child’s Heart”.) It is usually best to empathize after first setting the limit (“I won’t let you”). We can run through the grass together afterward.Ĭhildren need their perspectives and feelings acknowledged when we are setting limits. Toddlers don’t miss a trick, so they need (and deserve) a respectful, straight answer. This is the connection children need first and foremost when they misbehave. “I won’t let you” (or “I can’t let you” or “I don’t want you to”) instantly connect us person-to-person and clarify our expectations. Personally, I’m even a little uncomfortable with “Honey (or Sweetie, or Pumpkin), don’t hurt the dog.” Terms of endearment at times like these sound phony and patronizing to me, especially if the adult is feeling annoyed while faking calm and affection. Or, the royal “we”: “We don’t throw food” (while our perceptive toddlers are thinking, “well, some of us don’t”). The verbal examples are commonly in the third person, “it is not okay to…”, “Mommy doesn’t like it when you…”, or “Joey isn’t allowed to…” Then there’s the philosophical approach: “Faces are not for slapping”, “Streets are not for running into”, “Friends are not for biting”. Most of the advice I hear about setting limits suggests wording that subtly skirts a direct confrontation and distances us when we should be connecting. Here are the two most important ways to connect: Connection during boundary setting doesn’t look warm and fuzzy, but it is crucial. But how? When I hear the word ‘connection’, hugging, laughing and running through grass together come to mind, not saying “no” and possibly upsetting my child. Yes, children need to feel connected for discipline to be successful. My sense is that many parents over-complicate this issue, perhaps because of confusion about some of the terms commonly used in regard to discipline, terms like ‘connection’, ‘unmet needs’ and ‘playful’. In this case, appropriate discipline would mean getting down on the floor next to the child, making eye contact, and saying calmly, “I won’t let you hit the dog, that hurts” while holding the child’s hand or otherwise blocking the hit. There seems to be a common misconception that gentle, non-punitive discipline means avoiding a direct confrontation with the child rather than providing the simple, connected response children need when, for example, they hit the dog. The important phrase she refers to is, “I won’t let you.” Suchada remarks, “This phrase has helped me become the disciplinarian I want to be: in charge, but not controlling gentle, but firm honest clear and direct.” I had a sudden inkling about the reason while re-reading blogger Suchada Eickemeyer’s post: “The Most Valuable Parenting Phrase After ‘I Love You”. Parents wonder: How can my child keep acting this way when I’m committed to respectful, non-punitive guidance? I hear about needy, demanding five-year-olds, preschoolers intentionally hurting their peers, and children who seem either fragile or angry much of the time. Parents share about behavior that might have started as minor testing but has become more aggressive, destructive, defiant, or deliberate. I also hear a lot about what isn’t working from parents who believe they are practicing gentle discipline. Many of you have sent me inspiring stories about the positive results you are experiencing, often immediately. In fact, it works so beautifully that you’ll find you need to set fewer and fewer limits, especially once the toddler years have passed. Setting limits without punishments works. If you’re reading here because you’re committed to guiding your child’s behavior without spankings or punishments, I salute you, especially if you were punished as a child and are looking for a better way.
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